*Note from Gin* Wow. I know this one is lengthy, but please read at least his first answer. So much raw real sharing about what his childhood was like. I think it can give us a real insight into how and why people do the things that they do that might end up landing them in prison. His turn-around too is so phenomenal. I am so happy to post this very eloquent, very honest, very raw interview. I hope you will take the time to read it. Thank you!
Who has had the most positive influence in your life, and what did they teach you or help you with?
When it pertains to an individual having the most positive influence in my life as well as teaching and aiding me I must say my mother.
There exist many reasons as to why I chose my mother. I didn’t choose my mother because I was created from within her being, her essence, and that of her womb. I chose my mother because of what we endured and what we overcame in life together. I chose my mother because of the elements that she instilled within me since birth. I chose my mother because of the pure, natural, beautiful flow of energy that exudes from her being and essence that’s felt within the hearts of all that she encounters for the magnification of what she exudes is magnetic. While within the comfort of her womb and to this very moment my mother has constantly shown me love and magnified its intensity with each passing moment. My mother is my first love before sight, my Queen, my best friend, and my everything. My mother… (:
Wow! She is the most beautiful and the most wonderful woman, mother, friend, sister, daughter that I know. I cannot help but smile eternally and I possess a smile that is as enchanting as a rainbow across the magnetizing sky. (: Please allow me to elaborate as to why my mother has–as well as continues to be–the most positive influence in my life.
At the age of nineteen my mother gave birth to beautiful boy–me. (: My presence manifested great joy and happiness within my family. I was the first born to that of my mother, the first grandson to that of my grandparents, the first nephew to my aunts and uncles. I was known to be a happy, curious, and smart baby.
However, as I began my toddler years such beautiful elements began to fade or diminish entirely. At the age of three my mother and I possessed an indestructible bond. Wherever her physical embodiment flowed, I flowed along with her. I was a moth to her flame. There existed no place to which I would not follow her.
My father constantly observed me being in tow of my mother and greatly despised what we shared. In return he swiftly devised a plan to dismantle the energy that flowed between us. Each time that my father would observe me being in tow of my mother he would call for me. I would go to him and upon reaching him he would tell me that my mother didn’t love me and that he was the only one that loved me. He also baited me in with alcoholic beverages and he gave me shotguns that came from the marijuana that he smoked. I became fond of both. Eventually, I was on the receiving end of physical beatings almost daily. I kept quiet because I thought that such a thing was natural and because I was taught by my father, as well as others, to not tell anything. Overall, I began to get accustomed to the occurrences.
However, one beating was worst than the others. I remember a time in which I was five or six years of age and I had endured an excruciating beating. I was completely naked and I had covered up my genitalia area with my hands but my father smacked them away and started hitting that area repeatedly with a belt. I could do nothing but cry, cower, and be left with anger.
I was a once a happy kid with a gracious smile that warmed the hearts of many. Something so natural and so beautiful took a drastic turn. My demeanor began changing and I started possessing a smile that deterred many to be around me. I became anti-social but I learned how to put on charm to get my way. I soon began conducting myself like my father. I was destructive. I tried to destroy everything within my presence. This included toys, clothing, windows, parts on a car, sheetrock in the house, etc.
My transgressions in school also elevated. I talked back to the teacher, fabricated stories, fought fellow students and their parents as well as the teacher. I urinated on floors and I also remember a time in which I stole a lighter from a local store and took it back to school with the intention of setting something on fire. That very moment occurred in kindergarten to be precise.
In response to my transgressions, my father intensified the beatings. I went to school bearing horrible whelps that I had to hide with pants.
I was quite baffled. I laid my eyes upon many things within my toddler years that were conducted by my father that I never should of even had a grasp of. I’ve witnessed my father shoot at cars while driving. I’ve heard him threaten to physically hurt or kill people. I’ve seen him fight, steal, lie to people perpetually, and manufacture drugs.
I was also present when my father stalked my mother for hours at work or wherever she was physically present. He would speak malarkey and create assumptions the entire time and force me to agree with him.
He taught me how to sneak up on people and how to analyze my surroundings for things that looked out of place. I was a spy. I used such lessons to sneak up on my mother and father when they argued or fought.
As time passed my mother could no longer control me. She possessed no understanding as to why I conducted myself in the manner that I did. She was completely oblivious as to what was unfolding within my life. Seeking assistance, my mother contacted doctors and psychiatrists. I was diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Attention Deficit Disorder.
I had to attend outside counseling as well as school counseling and I was prescribed medications. None of which worked. I wasn’t fond of people asking me questions because I felt that they didn’t really care. I felt like they were trying to deceive me so I allowed my anger to amplify and my wrath be upon them. I was so out of control that I made one psychiatrist quit. As for medication, it had no positive effect on me so my mother had me taken off of it.
At the age of six my mother prematurely had my sister Ashley. This made me feel like the happiest kid in the world. I was a big brother and I was no longer alone. However, my sister hadn’t fully developed her organs and she could not live on her own. Machines kept her alive. Ashley returned to the essence of the Earth and a big portion of me returned along with her. I was totally destroyed. My parents and I buried her behind our place of residence. I remember times in which I would cry secretly as I gazed upon her grave. I didn’t understand death and it made me furious. I yearned for my sister.
While grieving for my sister I still continued to receive beatings from my father and in return my demeanor grew worse and I began to lash out more frequently. More beatings were endured and mental, social, and emotional punishment was implemented. I had to stay within the parameters of my room all day. I conducted school work or I just sat there if I didn’t have any. I couldn’t leave my defined area unless it was to utilize the bathroom, complete chores, or go to school when I wasn’t suspended. I couldn’t watch television, play with toys, or anything of that nature. Even when friends of family visited I could not interact with them. I definitely was not fond of those moments. It felt much like these very walls.
My father also vocalized his negative feelings towards me. His words hurt me to the core. He would say that I wasn’t his son, I was a bastard, I was a mistake, and that he could kill me as well as other things. His discouraging words were indeed unlimited but I endured them silently. At seven years of age I had it set in my mind to end my fathers life and run away.
I remember the night in which I planned such actions. I gazed upon my sister’s grave for hours and talked as if she could hear me. I cried and felt sorrow but it was replaced with anger. There was a terrible storm raging outside but my plan remained in motion. I packed my book bag in preparation for my journey. I then peeked into my mother’s room and saw that she and my father were sleeping. After observing this I crept into the living room and picked up my father’s 243 rifle. It was fully loaded and I already knew how to operate it. I imagined how things would unfold and I was ready for action but I retreated instead. I heard a voice within telling me not to do it. I also feared that I would shoot my mother.
As a few years passed the beatings stopped. They no longer had an effect on me. I just stood there and smiled or either laughed. This made my father tremendously upset. Instead he just vocalized his anger and his disgust with me. At the age of eleven I remember a time in which my father was watching television and a program called “The 700 Club” was on. I watched a few minutes of it. There was a boy my age that had no arms or legs and I voiced my sorrows to my father. In return he snapped and said, ” Don’t you feel sorry for no motherf*cking thing.” After that moment I didn’t. It was rather easy. I had also stoped giving, as well as accepting, apologies. I was told by my father that, “Sorry is for a sorry motherf*cker.”
At times things were rather complex. I was enduring ample turmoil. I wanted to be good but the bad was continuously lurking. I had often told myself that I was going to do good and I was successful at times but the most powerful regained its hold and position over me: the bad–my father.
By the age of twelve I had transformed drastically. My father had instilled many negative qualities within me during the passing years as well as provided materialistic things that I not only grew fond of but felt that I needed within my life. My father as well as others taught me how to fight extremely well. Kids my age didn’t have a chance against me due to experience and my breathtaking physical strength. I was stronger than most men by this age and I could defeat them in physical combat. My father also taught me how to operate guns as well as how to utilize other forms of weapons. I was also taught how to manufacture–as well as sell–drugs. I was taught how to evade the police while driving and I was taught to hate them.
I grew quite fond of driving. I began learning to drive at the age of three. My father would sit me in his lap while he drove. He would allow me to operate the steering wheel and its elements while he controlled the pedals. By the age of seven I could drive any vehicle that possessed wheels and I showcased it by driving for my father when he was too drunk to do so for himself.
Also, by this age I began to drink and smoke marijuana with my father. The occurrences of such actions were in effect by the age of eight. The drinking aspect anyway. That only intensified.
By the age of twelve I became a womanizer. I had a way with girls my age as well as women. My father noticed this and tried to influence me to consort with or copulate with girls and women to impregnate them just so that he could have certain family ties. I always refused but I was indeed tempted.
Also, by this age my dislike for my mother had been cultivated. I began disrespecting her more often and I refused to listen to her at times. My father definitely did not have a problem with me conducting myself in such a manner. He encouraged it and sometimes took me out to drink because of it. His plan to dismantle the indestructible bond that I had with my mother was close to being successful and complete. However, little did he know, I despised him more. I began to distance myself from them both but I used them to my benefit.
I must say that I feel tremendous pain within the chambers of my heart to ponder such memories and to document such things that my mother endured by my words, my actions, or that of my father. My mother didn’t deserve to be treated in such a manner. She was and still remains an impeccable mother and she will continue to be the best within all that makes me an element of existence.
My mother had me at the young age of nineteen but she swiftly proved that she was a good mother. She desired to love me unconditionally and raise me the right way but I betrayed her for I allowed my father to brainwash me. But she never gave up on me. I remember times in which I voiced that I didn’t like her, I liked my father more, that I hated her as well as words of this nature. Yet, she continued to show me love and she was by my side even when I challenged or hurt her. I can honestly say that I cannot recall a moment in which my mother raised a hand to give me a physical beating. Those were non-existent. She was the type to make me stand along a wall with a book balanced on my head while one foot was removed from the floor. I can do nothing but smile as I ponder such a memory. These tactics worked on me but when my father appeared those positive punishments dissipated. She was the light within my life. When she went to work my father and his darkness prevailed. I soon became one with the dark but I still possessed some great qualities as well as a little light.
Reflecting on age twelve and younger I only wanted to be alone. It was what I was accustomed to. I was molded to harbor such characteristics. I say such a thing due to experiences at younger ages. As a toddler I traveled with my father quite often. He attended many parties and festivities in which I had to sit alone for hours in a vehicle or room. If I was accompanied, it was by adults that I didn’t know, or had even laid eyes upon before that, engaged in smoking, drinking, profane language, and even sexual intercourse.
My most unforgettable moment at the age of twelve was when my father broke a shovel across my back. My father and I were working on a car together and as we worked some friends of ours visited. We continued to work but conversed as we did so. My father needed a tool and told me to get it. I looked for it but I could not find it so I told him that he had to find it. In return he vocalized, “You can’t do sh*t right.” I walked off in regard to that. As I turned around my father picked up a shovel and hit me so hard with it that it broke upon impact. Our company just watched. I ran into the house to my mother and my father trailed behind me. My mother fiercely sent my father back outside. She was completely oblivious as to what occurred and assumed it was just a bad argument. I remained silent but I fumed with anger. To calm me down my mother ran me some hot bath water. As soon as I entered the bathtub my body hurt more than words could ever express.
Later that day my father called me outside and baited me in with alcoholic beverages and marijuana, and he told me that I could drive his truck. His truck was one of the prettiest as well as the fastest around and I loved driving it. I soon put the incident behind me.
At thirteen years of age I no longer wanted to live with my mother. I didn’t want to live with my mother because she was too strict. There were too many rules and regulations of which I was not fond. I told my mother that I wanted to live with my father. She granted my wish. I soon found out that my decision was a mistake. Instead of treating me like his son, my father treated me like a stranger. Everything that went wrong was automatically blamed on me and he spoke ill of me to his friends. As time passed I noticed that all my father wanted to do was boss me around continuously and make me do a majority of the work if we had a task to complete no matter how much assistance he had from others. I also began to lose weight due to the lack of food consumption. Alcoholic beverages and marijuana entered my physical body more than food itself. I didn’t mind indulging in the two but I needed food. I could no longer bear living with my father so I returned home with my mother.
By the age of fourteen, I was hospitalized for chronic migraine type headaches. I had endured them for as long as I could remember and no over the counted medications could alleviate the pain. There were ample times in which I would cry because of the pain. I would sometimes grow with fury because it would not flee so I became violent or immobile. My neurologist prescribed many medications as time passed but nothing seemed to work. Eventually, I began to secretly abuse the medications. I began consuming two to three pills at a time and I would elevate my intake by three to five or even ten pills. These were some powerful medications. Some consisted of 750 mg or even 1,000 mg. My tolerance grew so I continued to elevate my intake. I also began to smoke marijuana everyday. The equation of both was beautiful to me at the time.
After a period of abusing such drugs I felt a change within myself but I grew fond of the change. I no longer had to deal with reality. I could create my very own reality. On a daily basis I would be as high as a bird soaring the clear blue sky while possessing no cares in the world. I felt utterly invincible and I feared nothing. At times I was void of emotion. The pills definitely allowed the worst of my qualities to become amplified. On some days I would feel like a zombie. My movement was slow and my mind was heavily clouded, especially if I increased my intake. I definitely shouldn’t have survived such actions but I did. I guess my purpose was much greater in life.
I also abused these medications in school while in the presence of friends. They despised such a thing and quickly voiced their concerns. In return I would snap on them. I was threatened that someone wanted to interfere with my high and my reality that I grew to love.
I remember a time in which I was in a confrontation with a teacher in school and I was asked to leave the classroom. I did and upon exiting the classroom the teacher slammed the door in my face. Anger consumed me and I pushed the door open so hard that layers of glass shattered. I also threatened to physically assault the teacher and I had every intention on doing such a thing but an ex-girlfriend jumped in between us and told me not to do it. In return I was suspended.
My mother and father said nothing to me directly but I noticed that they began to observe me closely. The pills were definitely deteriorating my essence. Eventually, I was expelled for selling prescription medications. What gave me the idea was the precious night with my father. We had conversed for hours about drugs and excessive bills so the very next day I sold each pill within my possession. To be honest, I cannot recall all that transpired that day for I was in another realm of existence. I do remember conducting myself as if I were on top of the world. I had ended an eight month relationship that I had cultivated with my girlfriend only to be asked out by five or six other girls which I said yes to. I just knew, as well as felt, that I was going to be put out of school so I enjoyed each passing moment of which, indeed, turned out to be my last.
Hearing the news of me being expelled from school made me furious. I never heard the end of it. I remember being home with him one day and he told me to call my mother at work and say extension thirty-six to get connected to her. I didn’t. I asked for her by name. My father snapped and said, “You don’t listen to sh*t. You need to do what the fu*k I tell you to do. You have gotten too big and too strong but I can shoot and kill you.” My mother was connected so I handed the telephone to my father and walked away. Upon passing my father he aggressively yanked the doo-rag that I was wearing from my head but it got tangled around my neck and I instantly felt a burning sensation. I looked into the living room mirror and saw the marks on my neck and fury escaped. I stepped toward my father swiftly and stared him down and for the first time I saw something within his eyes. I saw fear. I had every intention of beating him severely but yet again something saved him. He soon kept his distance but sometimes tested the boundaries.
As much as I despised my father I would allow no harm to come to him. I was his enforcer and protecter. I remember a time in which an individual tried to stab him and I stood in front of him. I was quite fierce. As time passed I stopped abusing the medications but I elevated my habit of smoking marijuana. In order to function properly I had to have it coursing through my body daily.
Meanwhile, to conclude the reasons as to why my mother has been the most positive influence in my life I have one more story to share. On the very last day of February of 2004, my mother attended a wedding and naturally she utilized her sports utility vehicle to travel. This infuriated my father because he had no way to travel. He was in desperate need of an alcoholic beverage and a cigarette so I illegally drove him to a local store to acquire such items. When we arrived he only purchased cigarettes. Upon returning home, he found a bottle of champagne in the refrigerator that my mother had been saving for years to celebrate when I graduated high school. My mother returned home and my father started a frivolous argument. My father gave me the bottle to drink but my mother took the bottle from within my grasp. My father then began to tussle with my mother for the bottle and successfully retrieved it. I just stood there and observed but I was fuming with anger. My father left the house and took my mother’s sports utility vehicle. I went into the living room area and sat down. Moments later my mother entered the living room crying and asked, “Why do you treat me the way that you do?” I just gazed upon my mother blankly. However, her words penetrated my heart, my mind, my soul, and my everything deeply. I mentally replayed that moment as well as many others continuously every day feeling utterly helpless and unworthy of life. With so many words being relinquished, I chose my mother as the most positive influence in my life.
During my mother’s journey in life she has lost four children. Three of which were born prematurely and could not live on their own due to the lack of development. I am known as her miracle in life but she lost me to that of the system due to my ignorance and to my lack of understanding. She also endured pure ignorance and toxicity by that of my father while never speaking ill of him. Nevertheless, she maintained and magnified the dimensions of her strength, her courage, her will, her compassion, her fierceness, as a friend, cousin, niece, granddaughter, sister, daughter, and a mother. She has risen as the elegant Queen that she was destined to be and she shines as that beautiful star within the spectrum of the sky.
Since birth and to this very moment my mother has been by my side. Through the worst of it all she has never displayed a want, need, or desire to flee. Not even for a moment. She intentionally allowed herself to suffer for she deprived herself of things just so that I would be okay. She endured and endured. However, as she endured she continued to magnify the intensity of her efforts as a mother, a teacher, a role model in each precious moment that we shared together as well as during my time within these walls.
My mother has instilled the most beautiful qualities within me that are both loved and adored. It indeed took ample time for such elements to manifest but they now illuminate just as the Sun illuminates all that roam the essence of the Earth. My mother has shown me true love, loyalty, respect, honesty, sincerity, compassion, and responsibility. Though my mother is of the female gender she has shown me how to be a man and a true gentleman. She has allowed me to know that I am well loved, appreciated, and worthy of life no matter what mistakes I may have made. She has allowed me to know that I don’t have to possess a hardcore demeanor and that it’s okay to display my emotions, that its okay to open up my heart to accept love, to let people within the chambers of my heart, to relinquish love, and to allow tears to fall from upon my face.
My mother is the greatest love that I ever known. She is the the greatest role model that I ever known. I know that am a reflection of her for my genetic makeup resembles hers just as the waters upon Earth reflect the Moon but I hope to someday be as great a her. Within each moment of my existence I will relinquish the beauty that she instilled within me. She is the best mother that I could ever ask for. I love you mom. Always and forever. I hope to be within your warm embrace again.
Meanwhile, to soothe the curiosity of those that seek to possess the knowledge as to what materialized in the relationship between my father and I, at the age of eighteen I severed any form of connection that I had with my father. Even while incarcerated my father still generated great effort to deceive me and turn me against my mother. To further add to the equation, while my father was incarcerated he had met a con artist and together they devised a plan. After their release they allowed that plan to materialize. This con artist portrayed himself to be my attorney hired by my father. My mother and family were swindled out of $15,000 to $20,000. This was the ultimate betrayal by my father. A betrayal that I could not and would not tolerate so I ended our relationship.
At the age of twenty – five I forgave my father for his cruelty against me. Something that he taught me not to do. How could I seek forgiveness if I was not willing to forgive? Although I forgave my father I did not want, need, or desire him within my life for I knew that he was pure toxic and would never change. Moreover, I would never possess the knowledge as to why he treated me so coldly.
Ironically, as soon as I severed all forms of connection to him, the chronic migraine type headaches dissipated. For once in my life I felt great relief. For once in my life I was totally free of my father. I never perceived that I could be or feel so free of someone.
Meanwhile, at the age of thirty I called my father to try to make some form of amends. However, just as I knew, he never changed. He still indulged in the very same vile elements. I gave forth all that I possibly could give. I tried. To this very moment I have forgiven him but I still choose to live my life without him. I cannot allow him or the elements that exist within his being and essence to hinder or stagnate my life. I deserve to live my life the fullest without such malevolence draining my essence. Therefore, I will cherish the beauty of what life procures for me.
What do you spend most of your time doing now?
When it pertains to how I utilize most of my time it’s that of growth, development, enhancement, and cultivation of the elements that exist within my being and essence. First and foremost, I indulge in reading material that not only aides and assists in the development of my cognitive skills and work ethic but the elevation of it.
Knowing yourself is paramount in living life. In order to know another individual you must first truly know yourself. Therefore, it starts with you–self.
I also enhance my cognitive skills by utilizing the mere programs that are provided by the institution. I have completed a program called “Thinking For A Change” and have received a certificate. Currently, I am attending a program called “Victim Impacts. ” I must say that such programs are quite profound and are proficient in enhancing cognitive skills. I definitely recommended them. Aside from acquiring skills within those realms, I also obtain such experience from those that I correspond with, converse with on the telephone, or visit with in visitation.
However, a massive portion of my cognitive skills derive from within these walls. There are hundreds, or approximately one thousand people, that you may encounter on a daily basis that possess a wide spectrum of characteristics, personalities, ways, and actions. This includes the institutional staff. You may encounter an individual that may be filled with tremendous hurt, pain, anger, fury, or sadness. There is no ending as to what you may encounter. Therefore, you have to be equipped to handle any and all situations. Sometimes you will have to adapt if you are encountered with something that’s foreign or new.
In my sixteen years of incarceration, I have encountered and endured many situations or circumstances. I have encountered individuals that were verbally disrespectful, hostile, violent, mentally challenged, or emotionally distraught and wanted to take their own lives. Yet, I knew, learned, or acquired the knowledge to handle such forms of energy.
To be greatly noted, what really helped me was a book called “The Sixth Sense.” It’s a book that’s based upon the flow of energy between individuals. What was prominent in the book was when the author said, “Violence is a form of energy that deserves respect and manipulation.” I was in awe, for the illumination of understanding reigned supreme within both my heart and mind. The first thing that became prominent within my mind was that every action has a reaction. However, every action doesn’t deserve an action. Also, inaction is a form of action. I understood the author entirely. Violence is the form of energy, respect is the human existence as well as its connecting elements, and manipulation is that of transformation not deception. From that very moment my perceptions had evolved. I became equipped.
To add to the equation, my perception is that if an individual cannot interact productively within this unnatural and cubicle of an environment, then how can an individual survive within the natural and expansiveness of society. Within these walls individuals are forced to endure situations. Such a thing is not guaranteed within society for things are not forced. Overall, one must be ready.
I also utilize my time by indulging in physical fitness. My health, as well as the health of others, is paramount to me. With that being said, last year I enrolled in Stratford Career Institute and studied Fitness and Nutrition. As of now, I have completed the course and I am awaiting my diploma of high honor for I was top of the class. I plan to utilize my knowledge and skills to not only open my own fitness gym, but I plan to be a well known Certified Personal Fitness Trainer and Nutrition Specialist.
I also utilize my time sifting through reading material that varies in careers and occupations. It is my plan to create as many avenues for myself, or possibly someone else, as possible. As for what I have acquired educationally, by the assistance of the system, I have obtained my G.E.D. diploma, I have a diploma in Custodial Maintenance/Sanitation, I am certified under OSHA, and I am certified to operate a Genie Lift. Additionally, I have created business plans in Commercial Cleaning, Lawn care, Automobile Detailing, and House Cleaning. My goal is to be successful in all that I set my mind to and be absolutely certain that my family is financially stable. Settling for less is not an option for me. Many say that the sky is the limit. However, the sky possesses no limit for it is infinite. Therefore, I will continue to enhance and elevate. Just as the Earth evolves with each revolution, I will evolve with each passing moment.
Lastly, I utilize ample time corresponding and exchanging dialogue on the telephone with my family–my tribe. Family is indeed important to me. Family is well beyond the spectrum of a title, a concept or some of the very same plasma that flows freely through their beings. Family is a unit of loving beings that learn and cultivate as one. Family is there for one another no matter what terrain that they may travel upon. Leaving behind a loved one is never an option for I will stand strong until the end of their existence. Family is the past, the present, and the future. Family is everything. With that being said, my love will forever flow graciously within my heart, my being, and my essence for my family. My tribe, I love you all. I will never forget you for I will never forget myself. I am a reflection of you and you are a reflection of me. Together we are one.
What do you see as your purpose now, and why?
My purpose in life is to uplift and educate all that seek to harbor and magnify its elements. Each passing moment of our existence is a learning experience. What makes each moment so precious is that there only exists one. Once it has passed it is gone forever. However, the contents of a particular moment can always be assessed due to that of our memory. Therefore, we can constantly relive any moment mentally. What individuals give to us is within the same spectrum. I utter such words first for an individual sometimes never truly knows the impact that they have upon another within a particular moment.
With that being said, individuals used to always say that the energy that exuded my being and essence was powerful, positive, and impactful, and that they greatly appreciated it. I wasn’t aware of such energy until I became employed as a Cadre within the reception area of Nottoway Correctional Center. A Cadre was primarily a mentor to the individuals that entered the system. However, they conducted any and all tasks that were needed by staff. During my five years at Nottoway Correctional Center I was a Cadre for four years. In those four years I observed elements within myself that I never knew existed. The very elements that I exuded were projected and reciprocated in return. I was in awe for I never knew that I was capable of impacting anyone.
I remember moments in which young brothers wanted to indulge in dialogue for they had turmoil within their hearts and minds and needed an outlet to vent. I not only took it upon myself but I felt obligated to absorb and transform the energy that flowed within them. Within those moments I learned that I could create life within another form. Aiding and assisting in transforming the essence of an individual is creating new life. Just reflecting upon such fond memories has allowed a rainbow smile to shine upon my face. I remember moments in which brothers who were in gangs desired to seek something more meaningful in life after being within my presence.
I always shared my life story–my history–with them and they were in awe for what I displayed was totally different from what flowed from my lips when it pertained to my past. They sought to acquire the serenity, the compassion, the respect, the confidence, the intelligence, and the humbleness that dwelled within me. I would always tell them that it already existed within them and that it was up to them to allow such elements to magnify and exude from their being and essence and affect those that they encounter with a positive manner. Such a thing seemed like an impossibility to them for I had been incarcerated since the age of fifteen and I had been given a sentence of sixty years. Yet, I was mentally, physically, socially, emotionally, and spiritually sound. They began to transform. I remember brothers projecting hate, anger, pain while verbalizing that no one cared about them. I would look them within their eyes and allow them to know that I truly cared for them and I did. I still do. I became that bright star within their darkest night. I began to hold meetings with five to ten individuals and discuss life circumstances or whatever flowed in their minds or within their hearts. I soon became an asset to staff and the administration for I was the individual on which they called if they had a problem with one of the individuals in reception. I also became the bridge between staff and the individuals within the reception area. Not only did I make a positive impact upon those that I was housed with but also with the staff and the administration. Instead of perceiving everyone as being the same and the scum of the Earth their perceptions became deeper. Twenty-two recommendations of release displayed their perceptions of who I truly am.
I was also granted two opportunities to be a member on the Longwood University panel that visited Nottoway Correctional Center. The visitors consisted of forty Criminal Justice students and a professor. Ten of us on the panel asked, as well as answered, questions and gave forth our life stories. I must say that it was one of the most memorable moments of my life. They perceived us initially as the scum of the Earth but by the end of their visit their thoughts and feelings changed. They apologized for their premature perceptions. We had made an impact upon each other. We had became one for no one wanted to leave the presence of each other.
Therefore, as a man, as a being living within existence, and as my mother’s son, my purpose in life is to uplift and educate. I will forever give all that I am for who I am isn’t entirely for me. It’s for me to share with the world. I know that I possess the ability to make a difference. Therefore, I must give forth all that I am. Thank you mother for instilling such wonderful elements within me. I love you. Always and Forever. I hope that you are proud.
What is your most favorite memory, and why?
My most favorite memory is the moment in which I asked the lady of my life for her hand in marriage. Such a memory is my most favorite for its a display of pure love, loyalty, respect, honor, and compassion. I never knew that it was possible to possess a love for someone that’s beyond that of normal comprehension.
What my fiancé and I share is what many read within fictional novels or gaze upon within their televisions, for each moment is magical. The magnification of the energy that flows within us, as well as between us, is magnetic–an energy that’s so pure and so powerful that nothing within the spectrum of the Universe could cease or decrease the magnitude of such a flow of magnificence. To relinquish all of the love that exists within my being and essence and to absorb its reciprocation to a magnitude greater than what I projected is one of the most beautiful feelings in the world. Wow! Such purity. I am forever in awe.
Meanwhile, such a moment is so impactful for I never encountered anyone like my fiancé. Nor have I ever encountered an energy as pure as hers. She has shown me a love that I never knew existed–a love that’s enchanting, a love that’s forever cultivating, a love that’s forever evolving, a love that’s healing, a love that’s of all the beauty that can be perceived.
It’s also so impactful for within the beginning of our journey I still harbored many of the negative and vile elements that my father instilled within me. Such elements resonated within my perceptions and within my expressed feelings. As a toddler and until my incarceration at the age of fifteen my father always verbalized that I wasn’t sh*t, I was a bastard, I was a mistake, and he displayed that I was unworthy of life by utilizing the words that he could kill me. In return I silently absorbed such elements and began to magnify such energy. Hurt, anger, pain, and confusion brewed. To add to the equation I believed his words. My happiness, my confidence, self – esteem, worth, my everything was shattered or broken. As time passed within these walls my mother, my grandmother, my grandfather, and a few others provided pure and unconditional love as well as its connecting elements. I absorbed all of such wonderful elements and I reciprocated the contents of what existed within me. I began to heal.
However, something–rather someone–was missing: the lady of my life. The moment that our energies collided it was like shooting stars within the sky. It was love at first sight. We had became one within that very moment. She is my antidote, my completion–my everything.
To profess your love while holding the hand of the one that possess the key to your heart and to gaze deep within their magnetizing eyes that are filled with a love that both stops the rhythm to your heart and allows it to beat, while utilizing your sense of hearing to capture the sound of that quivering “YES ” is the best feeling in the world.
I never thought that I was worthy of love, affection, compassion, sincerity, or to feel what its like to have someone to truly care for you or magnify what you gave to them. I now know love, true love, compassion, loyalty, respect, trust, honesty, honor. Thank you to the love of my life, my soulmate, my Queen, my Earth–my everything. It is an honor to be yours forever. I love you babe. I will love you Always and Forever and Forever and Always.
What do you look forward to the most in the future?
When it pertains to the future I simply look forward to living life within society. To be greatly noted, I was at the tender age of fifteen at the moment of incarceration. What I thought was living was simply existing. While I was an occupant within the clutches of society, I only existed for I only lived for the moment. Existing within society was what I learned from my father due to various forms of abuse and experiences that I secretly endured. As defense mechanisms I projected the fury that existed within my being and essence that was generated and I indulged in negative influences to cope with the elements of hurt, pain, and embarrassment. Also, at that moment in time I possessed no definition or concept of what it meant to truly live life.
Now at the age of thirty-one and while I am within the parameters of these walls, I now know what it means to truly live life. I yearn to possess the freedom that I ignorantly took for granted. I yearn to be within the embrace of my mother again. I yearn to live the rest of my life with my lady, the love of my life, my Queen, my Earth, my fiancé, and my everything. I yearn to create life with her. I yearn to utilize my life experiences and academics to build a successful, productive, fulfilling, meaningful life as a son, grandson, friend, father, husband, and entrepreneur.
Life is indeed too short and too precious to not procure what life has to truly offer. My wants, needs, and desires in life are indeed perpetual. However, my potential will never reach its full capacity due to the hinderance and stagnation that these walls exude. In totality, I look forward to offering up all of the beautiful elements that exist within my being and essence within each passing moment.
I am the change that I want to see within the world. Therefore, I always bestow the best of who I am. I do not seek to be a problem but a possible solution. I seek to shine like the bright and beautiful star that I am, for I possess much to radiate to the world.
What are you most passionate about?
Wow! When it pertains to what I am most passionate about the spectrum is quite deep. However, I can conjure something from within that I am quite passionate about.
I am quite passionate about the youth absorbing and acquiring all of the beautiful elements that are passed on from the older generation, those that we call or define as elders. It is indeed true that an individual can always indulge in extensive research in order to further enhance themselves or others. However, there is nothing more precious than being in the presence of someone who has lived through the very moments that we read about or possesses knowledge of due to that of ancestors that were alive during their life. No one can provide history better than those who have actually lived it. There existed so many wonderful things that have been lost because no one took quality time to actually know their elders. Though such enduring phases have long gone, the memories, the feeling, and the passion still dwells radiantly through their beings and essence. What existed so long ago remains relevant at this very moment and it could be prominent and beneficial within our lives. Physical reading material or contraptions such as cellular telephones or computers can indeed be a source of advancement when it pertains to learning. However, it is no comparison to learning it from an elder for what they share has been passed down generations and such elements are within proximity of their origin.
Moreover, what we perceive to be tricks of the trade derive from them. The elders know best. For example, what the elders utilize is absolute for it’s within its most pure form. Absolute is that of being natural. Within this era everything is either genetically modified or it possesses some form of superficiality. Such elements are unnatural.
Overall, we must cherish, value and appreciate our elders. Within our journey in life we will reach the end and return to the essence. With that being said, that time will indeed exist for our elders. Share each precious moment that you can with them. When it’s their time such beauty will dissipate if no one keeps them and their history alive.
I must say that I feel tremendous pain within the chambers of my heart that I cannot be in the presence of my grandparents to enjoy their company as well as the stories that flow from within the core of their essence to that of their lips. During my sixteen years of incarceration I have observed from a distance what we know as age consume them. I hope to experience quality time with them within society before they expire. If I am never granted such a thing then I will forever remember them and I will forever allow them to forever reign supreme within my heart, my mind, my soul, and my everything. I love you grandmother and grandfather. Always and Forever.
If you could help the average person out there understand one thing about prison and the criminal justice system, what what it be?
If I had to help the average person understand one thing about prison it would be to help them understand that everyone within these walls is not the scum of the Earth. There exist individuals within these walls that possess ample qualities and characteristics that are deemed good or beautiful. Just because individuals are within these walls with a classification of various charges and sentences doesn’t deem them to be bad or evil. They are not their crimes.
People make mistakes. Mistakes are a part of life and they will always exist. Mistakes allow room for optimal correction. Such correction is prominent in an individual’s transformation and evolution. However, it is solely upon that individual. With that being said, many prisons are known to be correctional centers. I perceive such to be fictional. It is fictional for we as individuals within these walls have to possess the undaunted want, need, and desire to correct ourselves.
Meanwhile, individuals that are deemed “The scum of Earth” can exist within the clutches of society. Bad and evil people live and breed within society. Also, individuals within society make mistakes everyday. Some are worse than individuals that are incarcerated.
With that being said, what makes them different? Absolutely nothing. We are all human and we all make mistakes. Whether an individual is within these walls or within society they must learn from their mistakes and must not repeat them continuously.
If I could help the average person understand one thing about the criminal justice system it would be to help them understand that the criminal justice system is in dire need of restructure. The criminal justice system is in dire need of reconstruction for there exist many flaws. Such flaws are that of inequality, bias-ness, and the fact that second chances are not quite feasible for the amplification of sentences and the abolishment of parole–especially in Virginia.
There exist individuals within these walls that deserve second chances. Such individuals display through the transformation of their perpetuated ways and actions that they have not only endured a complete metamorphosis but they are ready to reintegrate society.
With that being said, lawmakers only reflect upon the bad things that unfold from true criminals and of new violent crimes that are committed. What about the individuals that are released back into society that are impactful, positive, and productive within the environment/community? These stories are within a state of oblivion. Why? What about those that utilize all facets that are accessible within these walls to enhance themselves as human beings and to live a successful and productive life in society “IF” ever given a “CHANCE”?
Just because our government names possess all capital letters, just because we possess an identification number, and just because we are housed within steel and concrete embodiments doesn’t mean that we are not worthy of freedom and of a second chance to not only prove ourselves but live our lives. It doesn’t take a lifetime or astronomical numbers in order to change the essence of an individual. It takes time. However, it solely depends on the individual.
Speaking of time, everything within existence changes with the passing of time.The perceptions of individuals within society are changing when it pertains to individuals within these walls. Why aren’t the laws changing? Why are they so harsh–especially, upon juveniles?
Speaking of juveniles, if a juvenile is not of age then how is it even feasible to charge them as an adult? The status of their mental, emotional, social, spiritual, and physical existence is not within proximity of being fully developed.
To be greatly noted, I do not seek to give forth justification. Nor do I seek to decrease the magnitude of a crime or crimes committed by a juvenile. I am simply saying that there exists a difference between an adult and a juvenile. Scientifically an adult is considered to be grown or fully developed and a juvenile is considered to be that of a child or underdeveloped. Lawmakers perceive no difference. I am not implying that juveniles should be excluded from punishment. Juveniles that indulge in crime should be punished. However, they shouldn’t be judged and treated as adults.
Meanwhile, the youth are considered to be that of the future. What are the youth within these walls the future of? Are they the future of physical bondage? Many are deemed bad and of no good use. So in return the term “throw away the key” is implemented. As you know, I am one of many individuals that has been thrown away. A sentence of sixty years at the age of sixteen allows me to not only perceive but feel such a thing. Overall, there exist many of us that are worthy and have much to offer to the Universe as well as the occupants dwelling within it. Some of us are indeed good and are of good use. We can still be the future. What future?